ray ruano week: 7

As the quarter comes to an end, I think about what I have learned.

I think about myself and my parents. I think about how my mother grew up without her parents after they died when she was a child and how this affected her life. I then think about my father who grew up with both his parents, but I don't believe they were emotionally unavailable for him and as his father abused him, his mother did nothing and to this day, denies his father ever did anything. But pain and angst are not easily hidden.

I think about this trauma and how my parents' experience with their parents has affected my experience with my parents. Now, I know that they did the best given the circumstances and that I must heal for myself.

'My mother not my mother' had me reflect on the concept of understanding. I try to understand why my parents are/were the way they are/were which just leads to more thought loops which are not ultimately good for my overall "healing" if I continue to think and not act on why things are the way they are and come to terms with it altogether.

 It is not easy but my healing is not dependent on the healing of others-- especially my parents.

What is healing if it means I cannot heal for them but for myself?